24th April 2016


Exams is just around the corner, yet here am I watching anime and slacking around as if ignoring the competition UTAR currently undergoing. I am now in Klang and having a study break. Life at house is surely more comfy than life in Kampar. However, a conversation with Gabriel stirred my heart and shaken my ambition during these days.

Grass on the other side looks greener

We discussed a lot about life, principles and etc. Yet, I felt like being be little rather than inspired. Somehow, people keep saying English speaking guys is that awesome and wonderful. Every part of their culture are unique while other Chinese speaking guys are worse in having a fun culture. At this moment, I felt we are not only be little but stereotyped by these people, judge silently and mocked by them with their eyes. Sometimes, I just wished to find a word to shoot them back but sadly I couldn't. All I can do, is to smile and silently listen but debate not about the stand of ours.

Gabriel put me into lots of thoughts, thoughts of being success in life; thoughts of having control in my life. For I am afraid to lose out in this rat race, for I really afraid that I cant be great one day. I hope that my presence are that impactful that people will protect when war comes in. I literally hoped to be protected and selfishly think that this is a righteous act. In short, I just think of my own skin.

I was wrong and I am wrong. Samuel tan Zhao tat, if you read about this in future please turn back to your people. Being treasured are not important, the importance is the attitude looking upon others.

Do you believe this whole world are entitled to save you? Are you that self-centred man I know?

You must not save your own skin, rather SAVE THE SKIN OF OTHERS!!!

You know why water are so great? It is because they are the one whom nurture the others, they take not glory about their strength but just do what is right! You too need to do what is right, sacrifice for the right thing makes you perfect. Do not take whole everything in your hands, rather be prepare to sacrifice when you were asked to or the situation force to it. For Jesus sacrifice his skin to save mankind. No man earns a respect if they do not sacrifice their lives for others or the greater good of all man kind.

If you are to die, die for a proper reason. Die in heroic manner. Die itself is not horrible, it is part of life. Perhaps you want to enjoy the luxury of a present life too much. You are serving pleasure as your master. It is not right, come back. Be sacrificial and pay attention to the needs of others rather to just bumped inside to do what you think is good. Think before you act, think to benefit others so yourself will get caught up as an enemy. Benefiting others to benefit yourself, that's the story moral.

Gabriel is a selfish guy. However, he selfish for the person he cares which is pagan like. He is a kind man and filled with art of speaking. Yet, negativism and realist do not improve the situation rather to be truthful and tolerating will do. Think to benefit others, so that you may too survive among the midst of them. Everyone so caught up the easy way that they forgot the toughest way earn the most.

You go inside the toughest way, you think your best to benefit others. Whether is the image of others or the appearance of others. How to improve and enhance their level, so that people know you are a generous person to bless others and they will be with you. This is how you do it. Not to stick with English-speaking people or dwell among rich folks will makes you different.

People are classify according to their mind set and acts, not by their mere-outlook.

13 April 2016

Hi there, good to see you again Samuel. You know, I only visited this site when I am really emotional. Well, serves me well. I am very emotional right now. Right to the up from the bottom. Doing events too much perhaps.

I thought event life is great, marvellous and meaningful for those whom wish to shine in life. I am one of those whom likes to shine. For that I beguile all the way up to the top, trying to be a people pleaser; try to satisfied needs of everyone. It turns out happens not in that way. You know the worst thing is where you cant decide your things and seek the opinion of both extreme sides.

Events torture and teared me apart form my regular life. Previously indulge in dota now indulge in events; previously making friends now a threat everywhere. Making people hurtful is just a piece of cake now, constantly blaming myself trying to tell myself everything will be ok. It did not happen.

Let me recapped you a few major event these few days. From March to April. Just wanna say, I screwed up. Totally screwed up, that type.

The girl disgusted me the most in uni life.

Well, subject named shermaine. Few weeks ago, she feels that I do not listen to her on advices and my tone she does not like it. Hence, she went outraged and boycott me perhaps in the whole committee of  "Hunted or Survived". Not sure whether is she a not, but what I know is this.

She is a bitch. She is totally a bitch. Telling me I did not listen to her, stripping of her creativity, throws heavy tasks on her and etc that tells me I am a son of a bitch. Well, first of all. As a manager, I get to decide and bear the responsibilities of the department. If I cant decide a single thing in my department, what for becoming a manager. Situations are dynamics and I do not have time to update one by one. Man, she just wanna slack off and wait me to work all the tasks. 

Never mind thou, I take it. I silently take the blow. Making a hollow self to everyone, act like a good kid. Apologise and act harmless in ways to earn back their favour so that others can work for me again. The others will never know what I had been go through, no one will. After all, the symbol of growing up is to silent up your pain.

Still, thank God I learned a lot from this rising tide. I learned tremendously. Now I knew the power of notes, the capability of one man can do compare to team can do, people pleaser is tough to do even do the price is huge. My heart and soul, barely recovered by this moment. While typing, my soul outraged and is furious. Her so called protective manner, scorched my passion and determination. Makes me wish to pleases everyone to make peace with the whole world.

Truth is, I do not know who am I right now. My heart is deeply burden by the case and I lost my determination. Every actions I made are so coward, every action I made is to protect myself. Wondering why. Yet I know, I cant do this anymore. The idea of quitting "Hunted or Survived" is getting stronger, but I keep telling myself:

"Son, just go on a little bit more, just a little bit more."

Yet everytime I spoke, I felt painful as well as a slight of comfort. Thousands times I cried to the Lord, setting me free from this bondage. Letting me back to my comfort zone, even a week will do. Still, no answers. Perhaps this is a learning curve, I must learn how to deal with people in this times. Luckily, He sent help.

He gave me a bunch of real good friends. 13/4, approximately 10 am. Shi ying asked me to brought 101.10 MYR for her to pay off my MUET bills. I totally forgot about that and also did bring my wallet out. Then they proposed to pay for me first as they felt I am poor right now. Although it was not necessary, it was a dare offer as they only know me a year or lesser. They gave me help. At that moment, my heart sank and tears rushing from my eyes; At that moment, I knew that no matter how. There will still be friends standing up for me. I am not alone, not alone always. I got supports and back-up ---- an exfil team. Somemore I got a good Heavenly Father, a mortal father and two mother. I am not alone. At least now I know, where is home. What it feels to be in home.

This maybe is just a small case. I am sure it will be great.

Conclusion son, stay determined. Just tell out what you want to do. It is not they are the ones who deciding your life! It is you the one whom deciding your life. What decision you made, it will not pleases many. Yet, only the right thing lasts. Which is the thing you need to do it.  

30 November 2015

I finally found myself a talent that I proud of, which is to speak boldly. Praise to be the Lord, for He has given me an opportunity to understand myself. Ever since now, I am trying to learn more about giving speeches and learn to speak as a man. Through out working with FBF people, I found that is so much for me to improve. There are indeed a borderline between me and them, yet I will not give up mixing with them. 

I will make myself capable and learn the way the converse with each other, their daily lifestyle and topics to enrich different aspect and elements in life. After all, life is short and who knows how many time we having the opportunity of knowing different aspects of life. 

I want to go travel alone, I want to speak and debate with others in terms of public speaking, I want to know more about organizing attitude and competencies required. Learning more, no idea to fond, I just solely want to explore. The bloodthirsty of curiosity are flowing. 

Maybe just my pride, being the winner in life since to be my objective. Yet, what I want is to fragrance in character and competency with respected level. What for a man without character although he achieve high heights. I will just start from something small, cleaning up my own room, cook for myself, learn more about cooking, be punctual, prohibiting grapevine conversations, sleep early and etc. Somehow but not least, it will be more controlling over own emotions and tend not to lust over girls.   

No one actually interested on your glory or understanding, instead they are more interested your point of view in life (yet expect you to understands theirs as well) and your feelings among them. If you yourself wish to be honored by people, would not other people feel the same. What matters is just the intensity of the urge in influencing others in a group. 

That's what I believe in the least. My voice, will use to spread harmony in world; my talents, will use to create peace among nations ; my intelligence, will be for the greater benefit of the world. Of all things, my spirit and love, will be for my wife. The ones I love the most.

A  day later

I regret a lot of things in life, the most I regret in this current life is that I did not approach her to tell her my feelings. Her name shall not be mention. I regret that the timid of mine. Nothing much, this just come across to me.

Right now, I am fearful. Whereby no one will love me, the one I love will not love me. Will I find a partner that I can share my heart with him? My parents or family cannot take this role, only the her can take it. With my timid character will I succeed in fighting for love?

that's a very good question. 

21 November 2015

This game, I will give my best. For nothing I will gain, if no pain were contributed. My sorrow, my fear, my weakness, I must overcome. I already no road of return, all I have was just to move forward and forward. For the sake of my life and love ones, i must move forward.

Yes samuel, you are indeed knowledgeable, outspoken with convincing techniques. Yet remember it is that God placed Gabriel to instruct and inspire you. Do not boost about your own strength but the great works of God. Who are you, if is not about him. Accomplish all things in a manner with great humbleness and start listening to others. Patience in tolerating, endure suffering, persevere hardships with the guidance of Lord. Ultimately, it is character that determine existence of someone. 

What for a person filled with strength and talented, yet loss his integrity and humbleness. Did not God said:

I will oppose the proud, but give grace to the humble

The more busy you are, more skill will be enhance. Just a little man, move forward. You can do it Samuel, speak, my God is with me. Our God is not dead son, regardless what you did, he is watching you and will encourage your adventure. Yet, take note that He is watching. Sin not or perish. Careful of you weaknesses. Do not fall into temptation, seek and inquire the wisdom of Lord before placing your pieces in this game. Constantly encourage yourself, even in hardships drag your body to obey the chosen character of Ruth. 

Complain not, frustrate not, all these change situation not. All you can do is to endure, speak not a single thing to yourself or to your neighbors. The moment you speak, the warfare consider ended as your enemy knows you are lack of confidence and strength. You can write, but not say, that's the way how things work. 

Sometimes you are just so stupid, why create a fuss over a small obstacle in life. All these are just small challenges, magnifying it according to your emotions are one of the most retarded thinking methods of life. While people around you are doing this, you follow not! Following majority will make you part of majority; yet pursing the character of God will make you the leader of majority. 

Learn, start working, mere talking will not bring you anywhere. Faith, talents and wisdom or knowledge without actions are dead, eventually your soul will rot if you continue to stay in such method. Think about your father and mother, they bought a house. You are their heir, future wise they will  depend on you. You must carry them, otherwise what for having wisdom yet absence of piety. You are worse than dogs if you are in this manner. 

Think about your grandparents, do u think they have time to wait until you graduate if you repeat. That are old in age, just want to see you sprout. You cannot afford to lose in this 3 years. NOT even a single time. Pray, pray and pray. 

Pray that you will not lose courage, pray that God will send people whom will notice you. Ultimately, pray for a character that are noble and long-lasting. Recognizing your own problem and solve it. Dig your soul with prayer, know what God has given you and create what God tend to give you. Didn't he said: 

The Lord gives, and He takes away.  

There are sometimes people tend to boast about their opportunities. Yes, let them boast. Did not David said: 

 Stop it, who can stop the man from cursing me if is God the one whom tells him: "Go, and curse David" 

Listen to them, take courage and learn from them. Think of the inspiration they gave to you. One thing about you, you often cannot afford to lose your face when people prosper. Cut short, you are jealous, envy about others. If you really wish to be like them, work harder than them. People as such are good. For they do not hide from you and try to give you inspiration to grow. You are an apple in their eye. What they do are trying to inspire you so that the Lord's name will be glorify. Yet, how you act was just trying to have their approval instead to inspire them. 

You must not behave in such way. A man will only approve someone who is humble, who is selfless in terms caring the main objective. Humbleness creates greater strength than wisdom, for humbleness the source of wisdom. Did not God said

Fearing the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. 

Fear, leads to humble. Simple as that. 

Somehow in life, you will meet people with different arrogance. Those who are arrogant ignore them, those who are humble help and be friends with them, constantly seek advice and learn from their behavior. When the arrogant seek help, help them. Teach them to be humble. If they insist and change not, leave them! The next time, keep your hands up and mock at them! For those who are humble, help them even they mocked you, help them even they resist to be helped. 

Learn to tolerate are important, demonstrate instead of preaching it. Start from the heart, think in their shoes and their culture background will help. Instead of standing in your shoe and condemn their actions, teach and help them out. This is one of the humble acts that Jesus demonstrated on the cross. 

Learn and pray son. 

To samuel,

regards 

9 November 2015

Recently I have been involving few activities in my university. It makes me so busy until I fall a sick. When I looked back my past, I found it was regrettable. My soul are so dreadful right now.

I have a past, that's all unremarkable.
A past whereby nothing is solid everything is void.
I regret, sadden why God never take me off from this situation.
Yet, life still go on.
Live well, is the greatest revenge.

Can I still get very good friends?
Am I still eligible to have best friends?
Gabriel is one, gideon is one.
Who else anymore?
When I need help they will give their hand to me?

I hope people will one day...

23 - 10 -2015 (UTC - 0254)


Soon will be November, and then December and the year 2016 will start again.

I know by this time I should be sleeping but I just cant really sleep now, it is because of the damn Ice Breaking Telematch thingy. As I am holding the position as station master, I cant afford to sleep late way leaving my station nonconductor at the end. I am not going to do this.

In fact, I will raise my eyebrows until the end of this activity. It is to ensure everything are work under my hands are projected properly.

Few days ago, I begin attending the IBT manpower briefing and arranging the stations. It was really tiring but filled with joy. I met a lots of people and I feel that my instinct capability begin to run mad such as my leadership skills, confidence, emotional tackling improved a lot. The feeling are as amounted as an upgraded software, better.

Of course, seeing Nicole are unavoidable as she is also a part of our big family. She is indeed fabulous and supremely beautiful. My sights, standards are definitely high regarding facial features. Indeed there are also many wonderful, outstanding woman I make contact. Like leeng, she is just wonderful, pretty and loud in voice.

Just one thing Nicole are bad at, she just like cling on to other male to stir out attention. Not sure but maybe is that reason she always do beyond the line, and causes anger to rise. She is indeed aggressive and straight forward.

As wise adapt to situation like waters alter to the shape of sea shore. One must be smart to know what should be done and what shall not. It seems like she does not ever attain this matter. I hope she can figure out herself but not by our tongue.

Anyway, my heart moved in every conversation we have, as specially the moment where carrying her belongings. That particularly moved my urged to protect and protest. Being in a dilemma, whether should I  tell her about my feelings or just shutting up myself. Pretend nothing happen, as I am so good at it. I do not really know what to do right now.

Coming back to the IBT team, the people seems to like me. Thank God. Yet, I am sure that someone are being unpleasant about me and plot about me. I must be careful. Any good things you have build currently can be pulled down by a string of your enemy. I must carefully observe and try to be universal. Of course, being true are my principle in socializing. That's not going to change if anything diversifying happened. I am not going to be like people like yew wey, pretend and strike even the closest friend.

Who are my enemy?
Am I standing the way of righteous?
No, what I standing is just the path of being truth and kind.

I am tired of being kind,
still will be kind.
For my Lord are kind and holy.

I am sick of being nice,
still shall be nice.
For my Lord did not vindicate my soul because of my sin,
yet cover me with grace.

Shall not be lazy for tasks,
even from your greatest enemy or greatest allies.
As the Lord did not forsake you while you plea.
He answers and rescue you from death.

Act as Him,
the greatest protocol is to love.
Yet hate no.


From this IBT i understand one thing, serve men so that they will serve you. You must first contribute, serve extra effort. Only your men will listen to you. Merely talking men does not make any differences in tasking but disgracing himself.

Create resources for your men, so that they are motivated to work for you even you displease at doing so. So that you will gain respect.

I should get some sleep now jor.. nights~










 

12 October 2015

12 October 2015


Who does not want to respected by circles around them?
Who does not wish to be honored by people?

Hence fore they be kind towards people, constantly siding people, agreeing with them and hope to gain respect through it. Yet, they will never received the reward they hunger so much but rewarded with the opposite effect.

Are they wrong?

No one can assure that, but one thing we can know is that such ways will not lead you to what you wish. Soon, you will thought as a replaceable individual, lack of principle and someone whom are only needed for first aid but not a long time friend. They will abandon you when you are not needed.

Not everyone's fault, I did that too.

Now I tell you not to do that Samuel, treasure what you received given by people. Repay them with great efforts. Never forsake them, call them for once a while. Remind them in places, buy them food.
For those who try to manipulate you, try to constantly show off and want you to obey them, you had experienced they forsaking you for no reasons or guilt felt from them. Stay away from them, they try to be sarcastic with you. You will mock them straight, just treat them like nobody.

Never call them nor keep in touch with them for they really are not going to make you inspired.

They should just die!