1 May 2016


Time crawls instead of flying nowadays. I bet is due to the reason I am suffering but not enjoying my current university life. Well, not fully actually. I still delight in having exams and acquiring new knowledge about the field that interest me. You can say that study life is much more relax compare to event life or doing nothing.

Anyway, today I went for a movie with my Housemate. His name is Shamir, from the name itself we know he his a malay la. Still, the only problem now is language barrier. It is a saddening truth that Malay is not my cup of tea. I hardly speak or write in Malay and when I speak or write with it, I can disappoint way to depress an entire village in Malaysia.

I understand his feelings, like a nomad. Belongs to nowhere. Daily routine are just connecting to people in the past or people within his own race. He too wish to explore new things that never fail to amazes him in life. He too, wish to search a new refuge in his reincarnation of a tertiary degree life. I know that feelings, whereby no people you once idealize was found. It is kinda disappointing. However, life does not suit you entirely. Maybe that's the reason why am I here, to amazes the new generation and learn from the old generation as the intermediate generation. Wow, I certainly is a great man indeed by now..hahaha

Life in University is tough, whereby many times you face choices which requires you to make alone. The responsibility of the choices you made are you to bear now, every word you speak people will take it carefully and wait for chances to backstab or give a nice opera show while you acting as the valiant, a.k.a the bad guy. It is tough to get loyal friends. Yet I am glad that I found a bunch of loyal friends in life. I know it maybe too fast to acknowledge them as loyal friends but they indeed help me out a lot without I even realize. Thank God for placing me with such good friends and good people. How much more a sinner could ask? If God has given him mercy and grace in life. So do I

Thinking about future

My ex-housemate (Sony- Bryan) left to Singapore for internship. Too bad I couldn't see him and farewell to him face to face. Yet the books he left for me, I guess it is gonna be mine if he is still not coming back huh... Anyway, this matter gave me a lot of thought regarding my future. You see, what bryan focuses on was his URS and FYP. It turns out that university life can be achievable without busying yourself with a tons of other people's business ( Well, I never belong faculty that I served). Helping events may show that you are a team player, but turns out it does not really equip you with lab skills or latest information about biology field.

The most I get from events was just a bunch of people whereby I don't even close to, and some self-discipline skills as well as people skills especially dealing with woman that irritates you the most with her style. Self-justifying they are suppose to get angry and you should have listen to them in decision making. Well, why not we just keep our moral value high ground and do not talk about these broods of viper , gossip woman.

Events conflict taught me how to calm down, although there still need more training about that. It  generally gives me a picture, how to deal with people. Which is to lie. Be like them, show what they desire to see. They do not really interest by your real feelings. Instead, they just want people to prioritize them and give them full attention. That's what normally people said and so called a good leader.

In utar,  people whom so called utar just babysitting one another. They bear the job of swallowing every negative emotions in the people and wait people to expect done great deal. Wow, leaders in utar is tough isn't it? Not only need to care about your feelings, need to also act according your desire and let things done according your way. Bull shit everywhere.

To be concise, do not project yourself, the true nature but act like a gentlemen. Just act. Life is a show.

Anyway, because of Bryan. I was wondering whether to quit events or join an internship program in Taiwan to brush up some skills. Make a whole fuss again in my family meet-up. Still, I compromise. For after a several thoughts and enlightment by THE RULES TO BREAK - BOOK. I think, why not just enjoy what I have now and try out what I didn't?

Getting a girlfriend, hiking up a hill, when to a trip when friends, dota tournament together and lots of things to try in order finding my way to what I want. Take my time, don't just over confidence and make big talks about what dreams you have and goals to purse. Why not just list out what I have not try and we try it in university life. I can be a research professor at my thirties. I can get my house at my 40s but it is just my pace isn't it?

Eat a chill pill and see how things work out slowly which under the perfect will of God and quantum mechanics.

24th April 2016


Exams is just around the corner, yet here am I watching anime and slacking around as if ignoring the competition UTAR currently undergoing. I am now in Klang and having a study break. Life at house is surely more comfy than life in Kampar. However, a conversation with Gabriel stirred my heart and shaken my ambition during these days.

Grass on the other side looks greener

We discussed a lot about life, principles and etc. Yet, I felt like being be little rather than inspired. Somehow, people keep saying English speaking guys is that awesome and wonderful. Every part of their culture are unique while other Chinese speaking guys are worse in having a fun culture. At this moment, I felt we are not only be little but stereotyped by these people, judge silently and mocked by them with their eyes. Sometimes, I just wished to find a word to shoot them back but sadly I couldn't. All I can do, is to smile and silently listen but debate not about the stand of ours.

Gabriel put me into lots of thoughts, thoughts of being success in life; thoughts of having control in my life. For I am afraid to lose out in this rat race, for I really afraid that I cant be great one day. I hope that my presence are that impactful that people will protect when war comes in. I literally hoped to be protected and selfishly think that this is a righteous act. In short, I just think of my own skin.

I was wrong and I am wrong. Samuel tan Zhao tat, if you read about this in future please turn back to your people. Being treasured are not important, the importance is the attitude looking upon others.

Do you believe this whole world are entitled to save you? Are you that self-centred man I know?

You must not save your own skin, rather SAVE THE SKIN OF OTHERS!!!

You know why water are so great? It is because they are the one whom nurture the others, they take not glory about their strength but just do what is right! You too need to do what is right, sacrifice for the right thing makes you perfect. Do not take whole everything in your hands, rather be prepare to sacrifice when you were asked to or the situation force to it. For Jesus sacrifice his skin to save mankind. No man earns a respect if they do not sacrifice their lives for others or the greater good of all man kind.

If you are to die, die for a proper reason. Die in heroic manner. Die itself is not horrible, it is part of life. Perhaps you want to enjoy the luxury of a present life too much. You are serving pleasure as your master. It is not right, come back. Be sacrificial and pay attention to the needs of others rather to just bumped inside to do what you think is good. Think before you act, think to benefit others so yourself will get caught up as an enemy. Benefiting others to benefit yourself, that's the story moral.

Gabriel is a selfish guy. However, he selfish for the person he cares which is pagan like. He is a kind man and filled with art of speaking. Yet, negativism and realist do not improve the situation rather to be truthful and tolerating will do. Think to benefit others, so that you may too survive among the midst of them. Everyone so caught up the easy way that they forgot the toughest way earn the most.

You go inside the toughest way, you think your best to benefit others. Whether is the image of others or the appearance of others. How to improve and enhance their level, so that people know you are a generous person to bless others and they will be with you. This is how you do it. Not to stick with English-speaking people or dwell among rich folks will makes you different.

People are classify according to their mind set and acts, not by their mere-outlook.

13 April 2016

Hi there, good to see you again Samuel. You know, I only visited this site when I am really emotional. Well, serves me well. I am very emotional right now. Right to the up from the bottom. Doing events too much perhaps.

I thought event life is great, marvellous and meaningful for those whom wish to shine in life. I am one of those whom likes to shine. For that I beguile all the way up to the top, trying to be a people pleaser; try to satisfied needs of everyone. It turns out happens not in that way. You know the worst thing is where you cant decide your things and seek the opinion of both extreme sides.

Events torture and teared me apart form my regular life. Previously indulge in dota now indulge in events; previously making friends now a threat everywhere. Making people hurtful is just a piece of cake now, constantly blaming myself trying to tell myself everything will be ok. It did not happen.

Let me recapped you a few major event these few days. From March to April. Just wanna say, I screwed up. Totally screwed up, that type.

The girl disgusted me the most in uni life.

Well, subject named shermaine. Few weeks ago, she feels that I do not listen to her on advices and my tone she does not like it. Hence, she went outraged and boycott me perhaps in the whole committee of  "Hunted or Survived". Not sure whether is she a not, but what I know is this.

She is a bitch. She is totally a bitch. Telling me I did not listen to her, stripping of her creativity, throws heavy tasks on her and etc that tells me I am a son of a bitch. Well, first of all. As a manager, I get to decide and bear the responsibilities of the department. If I cant decide a single thing in my department, what for becoming a manager. Situations are dynamics and I do not have time to update one by one. Man, she just wanna slack off and wait me to work all the tasks. 

Never mind thou, I take it. I silently take the blow. Making a hollow self to everyone, act like a good kid. Apologise and act harmless in ways to earn back their favour so that others can work for me again. The others will never know what I had been go through, no one will. After all, the symbol of growing up is to silent up your pain.

Still, thank God I learned a lot from this rising tide. I learned tremendously. Now I knew the power of notes, the capability of one man can do compare to team can do, people pleaser is tough to do even do the price is huge. My heart and soul, barely recovered by this moment. While typing, my soul outraged and is furious. Her so called protective manner, scorched my passion and determination. Makes me wish to pleases everyone to make peace with the whole world.

Truth is, I do not know who am I right now. My heart is deeply burden by the case and I lost my determination. Every actions I made are so coward, every action I made is to protect myself. Wondering why. Yet I know, I cant do this anymore. The idea of quitting "Hunted or Survived" is getting stronger, but I keep telling myself:

"Son, just go on a little bit more, just a little bit more."

Yet everytime I spoke, I felt painful as well as a slight of comfort. Thousands times I cried to the Lord, setting me free from this bondage. Letting me back to my comfort zone, even a week will do. Still, no answers. Perhaps this is a learning curve, I must learn how to deal with people in this times. Luckily, He sent help.

He gave me a bunch of real good friends. 13/4, approximately 10 am. Shi ying asked me to brought 101.10 MYR for her to pay off my MUET bills. I totally forgot about that and also did bring my wallet out. Then they proposed to pay for me first as they felt I am poor right now. Although it was not necessary, it was a dare offer as they only know me a year or lesser. They gave me help. At that moment, my heart sank and tears rushing from my eyes; At that moment, I knew that no matter how. There will still be friends standing up for me. I am not alone, not alone always. I got supports and back-up ---- an exfil team. Somemore I got a good Heavenly Father, a mortal father and two mother. I am not alone. At least now I know, where is home. What it feels to be in home.

This maybe is just a small case. I am sure it will be great.

Conclusion son, stay determined. Just tell out what you want to do. It is not they are the ones who deciding your life! It is you the one whom deciding your life. What decision you made, it will not pleases many. Yet, only the right thing lasts. Which is the thing you need to do it.