30/10/2014
Finally, is over. Everything that I had prepared for, has over. Deep in my heart is very sorrowful due to unsatisfied during my UEC exam. Now here am I , lingering, resting, glimpsing everything that the world have gave me. Seriously, I have no idea what shall I do after this thing. Well, I do have plenty of plans. Earn some money, take up taekwondo lesson, chase ying hui and other sort of things I wish to do.
But for all of this, pls let me take a rest 1st. Nights ~~
Monday 17 November 2014
1/10/2014
A exams rushing like wind coming into my life, I began panic instead of staying calm. Financial problem, friends issue.etc. Has really being a big problem in my freaking life. I am a normal person, at such times still I will face exhaustion. I began to search for work to help on my tuition fees, began to play lesser game and study harder, began my insomnia month. Damn pek cek weh.
Yet what could I do, it is for my very own future. If I give up, I would had lost everything in my life. Each dream that I wish to dream, each goal I wish to achieve, would rather be vanished instead of appearing in my life.
Well, life as usual. I still go on prayer meeting, I still go on Sunday services, I still seek advice from Gabriel, I still pray for strength to overcome the sin I have. Yet in bottom of my heart I know, I am damn tired. Trying to taint my soul into sin to sleep, failed not succeed. Trying to take a good night sleep, adrenaline rush due to stress. Trying to study freaking hard, yet my body cannot take it. Who can help me currently, where all of mine, has gone.
Thursday 4 September 2014
3/9/2014
3/9/2014
I could say that this is after a very long time i have come here to type on something again, but nah you know, senior 3 students are a little bit busier than they thought. Recently, i have decided to really put my effort up in order to further up my studies in future. Hence, time management is out of order and the time i left, sad to say but i had use it for games.
Currently i am at the chrome lab to study with Lim, he is going out to take some water and so i came across this idea, to type before him and than study later. This is why am i here^^
Anyway, senior 3 life is boring like shit. Even do the exams is quite tough and make me feel very interesting but the preparation is way hell than ever you could thought off. Still, I deeply believe that I will make the best record of myself. Race up to the top of my hill, and win this freaking race.
I have asked God numerous times about my suffering and why can't have my success in my freaking life. There is no answer for ages and I feel like hitting my head on the bricks.
One day, God replied me... Can you believe it? He replied to me when i am on board of a bus. Suck moment, but very surprising.
He told me:
"Son, you always complained about your failures and why there are so many stones in your path. First of all, why are you complaining? "
He continued:
"Didn't i said that my grace will be sufficient for you daily? Didn't i defeat death alone? Didn't i forgive you when your screw was loosen? And here you are to complaining to me that your life wasn't good enough. what problem are you?"
then i argued:
"God, but it is just not fair that people can go through life as easy as they like, they have no problems with their life, but i have! That's not fair! "
Then only i realize that I have said the wrong thing. Still, my heart didn't want to lose out in this private conversation. Thought that He will seize me and straight leave out of my life, He didn't, yet He asked:
"Son, are you strong? "
"No, i am weak like shit."
"Tell me, do you think you strong?"
"NO! Only in Christ i am strong."
"See, that's it. You are mine, son. Look at you yourself right now, didn't you are strong? The reason why i put this rock in your path is not that i wish to make your life tougher or for you to prove me that you are strong. The reason why i put this rock in of your life is so that you will become strong by depending on me."
I confused...
"Look at you right now, failures and failures, yet you still stand up and never fall. Look at you, didn't all the mess makes you think further and further. Look at you right now, didn't you become stronger? The way you deal with people and anger, the way where you handling your crisis and emotions. Didn't they improved? "
"You are weak, but with me you will be strong. Depend on me, for I am a Jealous God. My people stray their path and mocked me. Hence, I discipline them by scattering them. Then what did I do? Didn't i rebuild their nation? Didn't I raise them to be the most powerful people on the earth?"
"In the end, trust Me. For i am the truth, the way and the light. Trust Me, for i am the good shepherd that will lay his life for his sheep. Trust me and go on without complaining. Or then do you want me to come with a graceful heart or a rod for discipline. "
I there listening, asleep for a moment but in the deepest heart i know that God has touched me and empowered me.
Therefore, here am I talking to you today.
Bye~
I could say that this is after a very long time i have come here to type on something again, but nah you know, senior 3 students are a little bit busier than they thought. Recently, i have decided to really put my effort up in order to further up my studies in future. Hence, time management is out of order and the time i left, sad to say but i had use it for games.
Currently i am at the chrome lab to study with Lim, he is going out to take some water and so i came across this idea, to type before him and than study later. This is why am i here^^
Anyway, senior 3 life is boring like shit. Even do the exams is quite tough and make me feel very interesting but the preparation is way hell than ever you could thought off. Still, I deeply believe that I will make the best record of myself. Race up to the top of my hill, and win this freaking race.
I have asked God numerous times about my suffering and why can't have my success in my freaking life. There is no answer for ages and I feel like hitting my head on the bricks.
One day, God replied me... Can you believe it? He replied to me when i am on board of a bus. Suck moment, but very surprising.
He told me:
"Son, you always complained about your failures and why there are so many stones in your path. First of all, why are you complaining? "
He continued:
"Didn't i said that my grace will be sufficient for you daily? Didn't i defeat death alone? Didn't i forgive you when your screw was loosen? And here you are to complaining to me that your life wasn't good enough. what problem are you?"
then i argued:
"God, but it is just not fair that people can go through life as easy as they like, they have no problems with their life, but i have! That's not fair! "
Then only i realize that I have said the wrong thing. Still, my heart didn't want to lose out in this private conversation. Thought that He will seize me and straight leave out of my life, He didn't, yet He asked:
"Son, are you strong? "
"No, i am weak like shit."
"Tell me, do you think you strong?"
"NO! Only in Christ i am strong."
"See, that's it. You are mine, son. Look at you yourself right now, didn't you are strong? The reason why i put this rock in your path is not that i wish to make your life tougher or for you to prove me that you are strong. The reason why i put this rock in of your life is so that you will become strong by depending on me."
I confused...
"Look at you right now, failures and failures, yet you still stand up and never fall. Look at you, didn't all the mess makes you think further and further. Look at you right now, didn't you become stronger? The way you deal with people and anger, the way where you handling your crisis and emotions. Didn't they improved? "
"You are weak, but with me you will be strong. Depend on me, for I am a Jealous God. My people stray their path and mocked me. Hence, I discipline them by scattering them. Then what did I do? Didn't i rebuild their nation? Didn't I raise them to be the most powerful people on the earth?"
"In the end, trust Me. For i am the truth, the way and the light. Trust Me, for i am the good shepherd that will lay his life for his sheep. Trust me and go on without complaining. Or then do you want me to come with a graceful heart or a rod for discipline. "
I there listening, asleep for a moment but in the deepest heart i know that God has touched me and empowered me.
Therefore, here am I talking to you today.
Bye~
Thursday 17 July 2014
17/7/2014
Today fought with both chen...
I find myself very stupid, why am I always care about the face yet know the topic. The fact is, I like to care everyone's business. I want to be like a grand mother of all mankind. Hey dude, that's nit gonna work yea. You know yourself, you always busy and fix your eyes always on yourself. So, is not gonna work.
At that moment when they mocked Christ's teaching. I became furious, Dangerous. I finally realise what can makes me angry. There is only 3 thing:
1) You messed up my pride and intend to do it again. That, I am gonna screw you.
2) You try to outsmart people and do shits out at the end. Talk super big yet not even wish to lift a finger.
3) YOU try to be smart and think mock my Christ.
When I am angry, I often will not talk to that person unless he say sorry or takk nicely to me.
If not, I might anti him all over the semester. Much like kee ren aren't ya?
The level of knowing myself get deeper. That causes me wish to know more about myself. Then finally, it hit on the rock of Christ. I guess Christianity influences me a lot until it becomes my lifestyles. But I delight in it. For through this I know tht I certainly will never leave christ.
Hallelujah. ★★★☆★
Then, I began to realise that I am not good at debate. Often even my reasons is right still I will not debate. Being afraid making people angry. I hated this. Slowly , sticking more with Han, begin to realise that in world, no one gonns give u a chance to stand if you are not dare enough. Fierce enough.
Still I decided not to be like that. I dislike being fighting always.not caring the rights and wrongs, juz fight. Dude, that's awful. I like to talk excitingly can be a bit forward but still sit calm and give their opinions. Not like the chens, know only talk bad stuff to stir up a conversation. I don't get them, why can't they talk like normal human being. Not barking around like dogs...
For me, talking normally is simple. Is that you never try to mock someone through out that conversation. You don't guai lan on and on la, sometime serious, talk as a 18 year old kid, talk as you think before will that hurts. If you really hurt people alread, write or apologies to them. That's simple. Talk, laugh or think, sorry or start a new topic.
Simple, yet hard to do.
In the end, God tell me to also be forgiving. So well, I try lo...
Saw hoei teng yesterday, don't know what to talk.I just smile, walked away. Guess she is busying her exams and having a good time woth wei li gua....
Still, not of my business. Since I put down this so call type of relationship, yoke has gone down a lot.
Cut the story short, may the Lord blesss her.
Today fought with both chen...
I find myself very stupid, why am I always care about the face yet know the topic. The fact is, I like to care everyone's business. I want to be like a grand mother of all mankind. Hey dude, that's nit gonna work yea. You know yourself, you always busy and fix your eyes always on yourself. So, is not gonna work.
At that moment when they mocked Christ's teaching. I became furious, Dangerous. I finally realise what can makes me angry. There is only 3 thing:
1) You messed up my pride and intend to do it again. That, I am gonna screw you.
2) You try to outsmart people and do shits out at the end. Talk super big yet not even wish to lift a finger.
3) YOU try to be smart and think mock my Christ.
When I am angry, I often will not talk to that person unless he say sorry or takk nicely to me.
If not, I might anti him all over the semester. Much like kee ren aren't ya?
The level of knowing myself get deeper. That causes me wish to know more about myself. Then finally, it hit on the rock of Christ. I guess Christianity influences me a lot until it becomes my lifestyles. But I delight in it. For through this I know tht I certainly will never leave christ.
Hallelujah. ★★★☆★
Then, I began to realise that I am not good at debate. Often even my reasons is right still I will not debate. Being afraid making people angry. I hated this. Slowly , sticking more with Han, begin to realise that in world, no one gonns give u a chance to stand if you are not dare enough. Fierce enough.
Still I decided not to be like that. I dislike being fighting always.not caring the rights and wrongs, juz fight. Dude, that's awful. I like to talk excitingly can be a bit forward but still sit calm and give their opinions. Not like the chens, know only talk bad stuff to stir up a conversation. I don't get them, why can't they talk like normal human being. Not barking around like dogs...
For me, talking normally is simple. Is that you never try to mock someone through out that conversation. You don't guai lan on and on la, sometime serious, talk as a 18 year old kid, talk as you think before will that hurts. If you really hurt people alread, write or apologies to them. That's simple. Talk, laugh or think, sorry or start a new topic.
Simple, yet hard to do.
In the end, God tell me to also be forgiving. So well, I try lo...
Saw hoei teng yesterday, don't know what to talk.I just smile, walked away. Guess she is busying her exams and having a good time woth wei li gua....
Still, not of my business. Since I put down this so call type of relationship, yoke has gone down a lot.
Cut the story short, may the Lord blesss her.
Wednesday 9 July 2014
9/7/2014
Feeling anxious today, anxiety fill so quickly, so suddenly.
Today, is the photo session for our s3 album, well... still sadly, no one wish to take a photo with me. Unless I really need to squeeze into their photo. A little bit jealous.
Well, is not that this thing really hit me hard again. Not ever, as we part of grow up, we need to accept the fact which people is different. Our topics for talks is different, our ways to fill life is different, all of our ways is different despite the main thing is still the same. We needed friends, family, lover, but all is different way. Some like big talking but they are not actually doing any shit; some doesn't like to talk yet they are responsible; some just like to go their own secret life; and many sorts of ways.
Sometimes, we shouldn't be selfish. In a sense where we want to have everything. IF, i have choose zhong han, yew wei as my best buddy, then no one would be able to replace them and I have to accept those who doesn't like them like me. Since we are a group. In fact i chose them, since both of them smarter than the whole class...
Look back, look back!
Why still think your shadow have no friends?
Look back, Look Back!
Saw it? Your past glorious friendship.
It never dies, and it will not die.
As long I have life and alive,
nothing gonna change disguise.
To: Zhao Tat
I have a great depress for you, son. Why you always want to cling on to the best group? Why have u changed to such glory seeking and honor delighting?
It is so disgusting.
I tell you, change back to yourself. Don't aim the friendship, aim to let people know your ways instead. Which is better? To know friends who only know to have fun with you or to know friend which know your ways and thoughts and able to confront you when u in the stain of blood of sins.
You surely know the answer. I tell you the very truth, no one goes to heaven before him, and you think your "friends" will be able to be with you and until then? You don't even know your own way, and you wish people to be with you.
Yes, tagging along with bunch of people is cool. Doesn't mean you need to tag along with anyone, come on la. In the adulthood, there will be many time you need to stand alone to fight the bloody hell war. You think normal friendship last? They won't even you now tag along with them, soon they will forget you and you will just be alone again.
So, my advice will be. Don't give a shit to your freaking childish thoughts and go on pls..
Feeling anxious today, anxiety fill so quickly, so suddenly.
Today, is the photo session for our s3 album, well... still sadly, no one wish to take a photo with me. Unless I really need to squeeze into their photo. A little bit jealous.
Well, is not that this thing really hit me hard again. Not ever, as we part of grow up, we need to accept the fact which people is different. Our topics for talks is different, our ways to fill life is different, all of our ways is different despite the main thing is still the same. We needed friends, family, lover, but all is different way. Some like big talking but they are not actually doing any shit; some doesn't like to talk yet they are responsible; some just like to go their own secret life; and many sorts of ways.
Sometimes, we shouldn't be selfish. In a sense where we want to have everything. IF, i have choose zhong han, yew wei as my best buddy, then no one would be able to replace them and I have to accept those who doesn't like them like me. Since we are a group. In fact i chose them, since both of them smarter than the whole class...
Look back, look back!
Why still think your shadow have no friends?
Look back, Look Back!
Saw it? Your past glorious friendship.
It never dies, and it will not die.
As long I have life and alive,
nothing gonna change disguise.
To: Zhao Tat
I have a great depress for you, son. Why you always want to cling on to the best group? Why have u changed to such glory seeking and honor delighting?
It is so disgusting.
I tell you, change back to yourself. Don't aim the friendship, aim to let people know your ways instead. Which is better? To know friends who only know to have fun with you or to know friend which know your ways and thoughts and able to confront you when u in the stain of blood of sins.
You surely know the answer. I tell you the very truth, no one goes to heaven before him, and you think your "friends" will be able to be with you and until then? You don't even know your own way, and you wish people to be with you.
Yes, tagging along with bunch of people is cool. Doesn't mean you need to tag along with anyone, come on la. In the adulthood, there will be many time you need to stand alone to fight the bloody hell war. You think normal friendship last? They won't even you now tag along with them, soon they will forget you and you will just be alone again.
So, my advice will be. Don't give a shit to your freaking childish thoughts and go on pls..
Sunday 6 July 2014
7/6/2014
Couple days ago was my coming of age ceremony, everyone was taking pictures with their parents and friends and so on and so fort. Yet i was the particular individual who was not famous not good enough to please everyone and on that day, i felt left out in someways...
Everyone is taking pictures of their own, inside the pictures of others. Only me there alone and finding someone to take a picture with me. Am i that unworthy to have pictures with others? I guess no one wanted to have a picture with me if i didn't voice out or squeeze myself in the photo.
Quite shy i am, no is very shy. I do hope someone will come and take picture with me, Yew wei was back and left there me alone.
I wondering myself should i devote myself to this class... where no one willing to chat with me, no one willing to express themselves to me. No one willing to give their hearts to me.
Maybe because i am not strong enough, not that good appearance enough.
Tomorrow on wards, I dont want to care about them anymore. Just wanted to enjoy my ways and my study life. No need to study or make up with that damn kee ren Tan. Because simply i have enough of his shit face. Really, life is not getting better if i make up with him. Besides, these can't work if he doesn't want to make up with me. I have done my freaking job to come and be good to you and give all those shit i need to give it to you. I don't really like him.... that much although he is a good guy,,, but not me la.. I like to be with generous guys... does who have same thoughts and a generous heart.
As a grown up, can't afford to lose anymore. People need to decide, and i have decided. To don't give a god damn shit to this type of people.
No information, need to be attentive. Tomorrow need to start recording every serious report and check on some info myself...
Since, the lone ranger need to go on still...
Couple days ago was my coming of age ceremony, everyone was taking pictures with their parents and friends and so on and so fort. Yet i was the particular individual who was not famous not good enough to please everyone and on that day, i felt left out in someways...
Everyone is taking pictures of their own, inside the pictures of others. Only me there alone and finding someone to take a picture with me. Am i that unworthy to have pictures with others? I guess no one wanted to have a picture with me if i didn't voice out or squeeze myself in the photo.
Quite shy i am, no is very shy. I do hope someone will come and take picture with me, Yew wei was back and left there me alone.
I wondering myself should i devote myself to this class... where no one willing to chat with me, no one willing to express themselves to me. No one willing to give their hearts to me.
Maybe because i am not strong enough, not that good appearance enough.
Tomorrow on wards, I dont want to care about them anymore. Just wanted to enjoy my ways and my study life. No need to study or make up with that damn kee ren Tan. Because simply i have enough of his shit face. Really, life is not getting better if i make up with him. Besides, these can't work if he doesn't want to make up with me. I have done my freaking job to come and be good to you and give all those shit i need to give it to you. I don't really like him.... that much although he is a good guy,,, but not me la.. I like to be with generous guys... does who have same thoughts and a generous heart.
As a grown up, can't afford to lose anymore. People need to decide, and i have decided. To don't give a god damn shit to this type of people.
No information, need to be attentive. Tomorrow need to start recording every serious report and check on some info myself...
Since, the lone ranger need to go on still...
Thursday 3 July 2014
3/7/2014
Its been a long time, very long time... one month i think for not writing my feelings down here. Unfortunately, need to use here again.
Life, is filled with failures. However, it is not how much failures u have gone through but it is how long did u stand against your failures. I didn't stand long against them, I lost myself towards them. Feeling sick, depressed and exhaustive fighting in this freaking S3 race. Not because of studies, yet because of feelings and friendships.
I admit, hoei teng. That i can't allow myself to stay in your friend zone anymore. Longing for your attention, wanting your love and smile express to me. I simply can't forget that and hunger for more of you. So gross... my heart says so, yet this is the most suitable vocabulary that i could ever found in my current confusion state.
Wei li is a freaking good guy, i think. He will suits you well, very very well. You once said you like to shop, he is able to afford you for sure; you once said that you hate walking around with buses, he is able to drive you home safe. There is no worries, go ahead, i will pray for you for your very own journey where i am not capable to help anymore, although i didn't really help much.
Feeling hatred upon my inability, why am i so stupid and useless and look so shity? I always big talk around the world, always that prideful, always that useless and a coward when come to you. I can encourage everyone to work yet why I can't encourage myself to show my feelings to you. Well i guess this is one of my weakness as well, God please help me get rid of it.
Still, what can i say now? nothing, everything is meaningless now. I have no guts to tell you face to face that i love you, Hoei Teng Lim. I guess I don't have the guts and i am not wise for being here typing these useless piece of shit essay just to calm my raging heart.
Raging seas, painful thoughts, never stopped. Half of the paths haven't walked. Still, my soul must go on. No reasons, simply life is a non-stop.
Today is a fucking day where i, give up. Give up the dream having her, give up to being a coward and give up the chance of escaping the competition.
Heads up marines, we need to off. Is the time of call of duty ---- s3 studies.... maths and physics.
(My future, if you ever look back at this, take a nice laugh, hug your wife and share it to her sweetly, don't run from your past anymore.)
Sunday 11 May 2014
Expectations,
It was a killer in my soul.
Who don't want to live up to other's expectation?
Who don't want to inspire others?
Who don't want?
I am sorry Mom and Dad, really sorry.
For I failed you,
made you suffer through my mistake.
I am not capable to reach your target,
unable to succeed as you were.
Not qualified to become your good son.
You always endure and counsel,
You always discipline and teach,
Yet the arrogant mine still not repent,
Yet the pride in mine has not lower down.
Wondering why you bore me out?
You definitely know that i will be such troublesome to you.
Why you still bore me out?
Despite knowing this ugly truth.
My eyes and soul are failing,
My sanity is dripping out,
Should I live as the world lives, Father?
Should I live as the other does, Mother?
I feel guilty and apologizing because of my cause.
Wishing time will come back,
To fix and to be polite.
Hating myself why am I so stupid,
Hating myself why am I so unaware,
Hating myself why am I so furious,
Hating myself why am I characterless,
Hating myself why so careless,
Hating myself never thought who am I.
Hating myself for being not capable,
Hating myself for being not concern on anything.
Hating myself why I hated Christ.
Wish to say :" I hate myself."
But I can't, because is my father who gave me this life.
I am not afford to fail father again!
For I made him heart broken enough,
And today, all these will stop.
Definitely is gonna stop.
Tuesday 6 May 2014
Long time didn't come here and kill out my time, even do right now i am racing with time due facing UEC. As long as you know me, you will know that I don't really give a shit on it. All i will do is prepare before exam and before exam i will drink kopi and rest.
That's me, the real me. Where I no need to go and coat the others, I like japanese music, culture arts, western coffee, chinese tea, guitar, drums, maggie goreng, laksa and many other nice but werid stuff. By the way, I do like german songs as well. Their rhythm is just so cool. Looks like you are going to war while you sing.
Today, I thought of her.
After my exam and saying good bye to yew wei, I walked straight to home. When I decided to take the shortcut to my destination, I thought of her. I walked on the narrow, oblique road. This reminds me lots of stupid stuff I have done to her. Very glad still is her friend where she will still say hi ~ to me. Really, i am a blessed man. Even not suppose to have this.
I remember that when both of us cross up the oblique narrow road, I held her hand to give her a lift so that she won't fall down. That moment, still very remarkable. The way i send sms or call her until she get annoyed. Until she scolded me in order to stop this fuss. All of these, have sealed in my soul.
Maybe she won't notice it, of course.
Slept the whole day, now playing dota. The is life
Sunday 27 April 2014
No idea why am i angry towards them, maybe is the different path we have chosen in our life. I can't imagine their life can be so meaningless and so little. Doesn't mean Jesus say you should be the one serving but not the king, and you should become a person's dog. I don't get it.
Surely you will be curious about who am i talking, actually i am just talking about my clients.
Today i asked one of my fellow friends:
" Are you still studying? Did you want to study?"
you know what she answer me in that freaking noisy restaurant? she said:
"I am not planning to study anymore, I am working here as a full time."
That shocked me and make me angry for almost the whole day, i mean how can someone willing to work as a waiter or a supervisor at a small restaurant? Get tired and late night sleep everyday, serving customers everyday, yet get paid only one thousand plus a month. Why won't they think working as a manager or a secretary, get paid 2.5 k per month and can even have more free time than this freaking waitering job.
Everyone has a choice, if that's your choice to stick with some low class, uneducated people and never going to enjoy luxury in life. Well, God bless. But for me, I am not going to do so. I am going to take up the wall, or challenge the sky by flying towards it. I want to be rich, and i want to step on everyone to have my pride and my luxury. If i accidentally stepped on you for my career part, please blame yourself for not being strong and have less choices than me.
What i trying to say is, people should be ambitious. If you can fly further than anyone, why still stuck yourself in a cage or doesn't even try t put some effort to fly and visit the world? Rather doing some shit stuff to earn glory and fame earlier than anyone. I truly tell you, the fame which can last is the most glorious,
Example, bill Gates.
All of my fellow clients is so intelligence, their problem solving skills, technique to counter people, stress management and hardworking, is so much better than mine. Still, not successful than me because of English or sense.
That's wasted.
Well, nothing i can do. Just pray that God will bless them and use them mighty in his Kingdom.
Tuesday 22 April 2014
22/4/2014
A bloody hell day...
Today, I got scolded by a class mate for not throwing rubbish. I told her that the rubbish bin still got lot space to throw, and she god damn it angry with me. Maybe she is right, I am that irresponsible in critical time.
As usual, the class teacher will always show me her dumped face and staring at me like a dog. She is really doggy la. Somehow, my emotional cracked when things begin falling down on me again. Even do most of it is I sendiri cari pasal la, still I can't bear it and I showed my faces to many people.
The mixture emotion slowly lead me back into depression, I was once back to the haunted life that I wish to escape from.
During the Senior student weekly service, I questioned God:
" God, Why are You so unfair! Why only I have one coin but others have many? "
And a voice (maybe is heart voice...) replied:
"Tell me, are you going to give up? "
I continued my grumble and negative thoughts:
" I wish I can become people like yew wei, hoei Teng, Ying Hui, Zhong Han, Yi Xue.. and many other well talented people that in school we have. "
"You are so unfair, You gave them so many coins, I only have one, i WANT More！！！"
The voice still says:
" Are you going to give up? "
My endless grumble continued:
"Regarding How hard effort I have put in, things surely will not change"
The voice says to me(using correct tenses) :
"Are you going to give up?"
My soul suddenly burst with emotions and hold my fist and my lips and closed my eyes and shouted in my heart:
" Of course I don't want!"
The voice replied:
"Good , then go on your life...."
The conversation ended.
Then I begin realize how stupid am I.
I,
always wanted to be like others,
always cracking up jokes to make people happy,
always follow others people opinion and agree with them when they talk,
always wanted to get attention from others,
always wanted to be the center point of people,
always want to be smart like others,
always want to please other people.
But all of these won't help you to progress in friendship or even in life. Is time for us to get back the way we are.
Life is simple, basically, is just yes or no...
If people like you, any idea you brought, they will buy it without single thought.
If people dislike you, the reverse is your conclusion. (You will screw up in life)
Are you going to sad about it?
Come on,
why we sad about it?
It is meaningless if you are inside a group where you yourself just blindly following them, agree with them.
It is meaningless to always have a big gang with you.
YOU can have a big gang, but the big gang, will lead you become a coward when you are alone.
I always hate those who always walk as a gang. In two I don't mind, but for those who walk in the street only with a gang, They, are like a piece of shit in society. They can't do anything when they are alone, sad to say but only those who abuse by friends or doing things solo are able to lead and do.
Why?
Because they have nothing to lose, they fed up in groupings and decide to walk alone, to fight alone, like a lone wolf! While people group together licking each others injuries, they are the one who bandage up themselves and pursue again and again in life.
For they have no time to rest,
simply alone.
That's why they need to run,
non stop to become unstoppable.
Today I made my clear mind, that life, is easy but is heart aching.
Is either people like you or don't,
For those who like you, give them your love.
For those who dislike you, keep your love in secret and pray for them to accept your love.
Because we don't give pearl to pigs.
I am not shame to eat alone,
not that I like it, eventually I hate it.
But to be a hypocrite in order to share a table,
I rather take my own seat!
A bloody hell day...
Today, I got scolded by a class mate for not throwing rubbish. I told her that the rubbish bin still got lot space to throw, and she god damn it angry with me. Maybe she is right, I am that irresponsible in critical time.
As usual, the class teacher will always show me her dumped face and staring at me like a dog. She is really doggy la. Somehow, my emotional cracked when things begin falling down on me again. Even do most of it is I sendiri cari pasal la, still I can't bear it and I showed my faces to many people.
The mixture emotion slowly lead me back into depression, I was once back to the haunted life that I wish to escape from.
During the Senior student weekly service, I questioned God:
" God, Why are You so unfair! Why only I have one coin but others have many? "
And a voice (maybe is heart voice...) replied:
"Tell me, are you going to give up? "
I continued my grumble and negative thoughts:
" I wish I can become people like yew wei, hoei Teng, Ying Hui, Zhong Han, Yi Xue.. and many other well talented people that in school we have. "
"You are so unfair, You gave them so many coins, I only have one, i WANT More！！！"
The voice still says:
" Are you going to give up? "
My endless grumble continued:
"Regarding How hard effort I have put in, things surely will not change"
The voice says to me(using correct tenses) :
"Are you going to give up?"
My soul suddenly burst with emotions and hold my fist and my lips and closed my eyes and shouted in my heart:
" Of course I don't want!"
The voice replied:
"Good , then go on your life...."
The conversation ended.
Then I begin realize how stupid am I.
I,
always wanted to be like others,
always cracking up jokes to make people happy,
always follow others people opinion and agree with them when they talk,
always wanted to get attention from others,
always wanted to be the center point of people,
always want to be smart like others,
always want to please other people.
But all of these won't help you to progress in friendship or even in life. Is time for us to get back the way we are.
Life is simple, basically, is just yes or no...
If people like you, any idea you brought, they will buy it without single thought.
If people dislike you, the reverse is your conclusion. (You will screw up in life)
Are you going to sad about it?
Come on,
why we sad about it?
It is meaningless if you are inside a group where you yourself just blindly following them, agree with them.
It is meaningless to always have a big gang with you.
YOU can have a big gang, but the big gang, will lead you become a coward when you are alone.
I always hate those who always walk as a gang. In two I don't mind, but for those who walk in the street only with a gang, They, are like a piece of shit in society. They can't do anything when they are alone, sad to say but only those who abuse by friends or doing things solo are able to lead and do.
Why?
Because they have nothing to lose, they fed up in groupings and decide to walk alone, to fight alone, like a lone wolf! While people group together licking each others injuries, they are the one who bandage up themselves and pursue again and again in life.
For they have no time to rest,
simply alone.
That's why they need to run,
non stop to become unstoppable.
Today I made my clear mind, that life, is easy but is heart aching.
Is either people like you or don't,
For those who like you, give them your love.
For those who dislike you, keep your love in secret and pray for them to accept your love.
Because we don't give pearl to pigs.
I am not shame to eat alone,
not that I like it, eventually I hate it.
But to be a hypocrite in order to share a table,
I rather take my own seat!
Friday 18 April 2014
19/4/2014
It is few weeks later that i recover from that tragedy. Now everything is fine except that i am tired for my studies and my friendships around school. In school, I have learned to put on a mask, i began to smile unnaturally but people think i am very happy, so I am not really that mind.
What i feel bad is like i am cheating them, everything i do is just surface. Still, they except it with nothing. Due to it, i leave it by a side.
Yesterday, is Good Friday. I and my bunch of friends hang out after church service, before that we served in the ministry of course, Singing, drama. Everything will be ended by tomorrow. I am looking forward to the celebration.
Few things I asked myself while i am on the journey to makan with them, I asked:
1) Since when i started to bond with Gabriel and Gideon and Darren so dearly?
2) I think i am really changed?
First, I mean i totally forgot how ever been so close with Gab and Gi and Darren. I just remember that last time we have numerous foughts. Right now, we are still friends. Friendships is amazing, so unpredictable. They are so different form yew wei and Chong Han, two best friend of mine in school. I heard all of their deep heart sore and discussed together, through that we have lots of laughter and funs. Then the funs we have is totally different. With schoolmates, we have skill discussion; while in church we talk about life and games. Quite cool.
Thank God and them for being in my life, really thank you with all my heart and soul.
Blessed is me who is a sinner yet received God's mercy.
Blessed is the one who spread the Love that given by God's mercy.
May I do so,
To build the Lord's Kingdom.
Another thing is that, I quite changed. I begin to feel annoying when being with low class people, impolite, not rational, play with words, bad to say is sarcastic, good way to say is learn communication skills lo, I somesort saw the truth of the world and every human kind.
The fact of human kind is, alll of them afraid the bad and bully the good ones. No one ever treasure them and automatically say Hi to them. To them, good people or patient or angryless people is always that good and will be with them always. That's their thinking, I saw it.
That's why I begin to build a wall, I feel good but I don't know it is right to do so as a christian. The reason I felt good is because I am able to protect myself; bad is because we ought to be friendly when new believers came to our church.
What do you think of it? My soul and My mate
Life is a bitch and she is a thieve we knew that.
I hate my life, because sarcastic is needed to survive.
I lived, because of both of them.
Don't know why,
But i can't bear to lost them in my sight.
I have decided, to build a wall to protect and to give,
I have decided, to smile sarcastic in order to survive.
I have decided, I will tell a lie if I need to.
I have decided, to fight life in the way i like.
Today,
I saw ying hui, having lunch with her friends.
She didn't notice me.
I stared at her.
I saw her dim down for a while and smile.
Then she lift up her head like nothing happened before.
My soul trenched when I saw her,
so beautiful
so pretty
so charming
yet she looks like she is thinking something.
I wish I would know her better,
so that I can go and comfort her,
In the dearly ways I have
Frankly, if ying hui you saw this blog,
pls know that my feelings to you never change,
as a mate as a dear friend.
For your eyes woke me up,
Made my protective heart awake in the midst.
It is few weeks later that i recover from that tragedy. Now everything is fine except that i am tired for my studies and my friendships around school. In school, I have learned to put on a mask, i began to smile unnaturally but people think i am very happy, so I am not really that mind.
What i feel bad is like i am cheating them, everything i do is just surface. Still, they except it with nothing. Due to it, i leave it by a side.
Yesterday, is Good Friday. I and my bunch of friends hang out after church service, before that we served in the ministry of course, Singing, drama. Everything will be ended by tomorrow. I am looking forward to the celebration.
Few things I asked myself while i am on the journey to makan with them, I asked:
1) Since when i started to bond with Gabriel and Gideon and Darren so dearly?
2) I think i am really changed?
First, I mean i totally forgot how ever been so close with Gab and Gi and Darren. I just remember that last time we have numerous foughts. Right now, we are still friends. Friendships is amazing, so unpredictable. They are so different form yew wei and Chong Han, two best friend of mine in school. I heard all of their deep heart sore and discussed together, through that we have lots of laughter and funs. Then the funs we have is totally different. With schoolmates, we have skill discussion; while in church we talk about life and games. Quite cool.
Thank God and them for being in my life, really thank you with all my heart and soul.
Blessed is me who is a sinner yet received God's mercy.
Blessed is the one who spread the Love that given by God's mercy.
May I do so,
To build the Lord's Kingdom.
Another thing is that, I quite changed. I begin to feel annoying when being with low class people, impolite, not rational, play with words, bad to say is sarcastic, good way to say is learn communication skills lo, I somesort saw the truth of the world and every human kind.
The fact of human kind is, alll of them afraid the bad and bully the good ones. No one ever treasure them and automatically say Hi to them. To them, good people or patient or angryless people is always that good and will be with them always. That's their thinking, I saw it.
That's why I begin to build a wall, I feel good but I don't know it is right to do so as a christian. The reason I felt good is because I am able to protect myself; bad is because we ought to be friendly when new believers came to our church.
What do you think of it? My soul and My mate
Life is a bitch and she is a thieve we knew that.
I hate my life, because sarcastic is needed to survive.
I lived, because of both of them.
Don't know why,
But i can't bear to lost them in my sight.
I have decided, to build a wall to protect and to give,
I have decided, to smile sarcastic in order to survive.
I have decided, I will tell a lie if I need to.
I have decided, to fight life in the way i like.
Today,
I saw ying hui, having lunch with her friends.
She didn't notice me.
I stared at her.
I saw her dim down for a while and smile.
Then she lift up her head like nothing happened before.
My soul trenched when I saw her,
so beautiful
so pretty
so charming
yet she looks like she is thinking something.
I wish I would know her better,
so that I can go and comfort her,
In the dearly ways I have
Frankly, if ying hui you saw this blog,
pls know that my feelings to you never change,
as a mate as a dear friend.
For your eyes woke me up,
Made my protective heart awake in the midst.
Wednesday 2 April 2014
2/4/2014
April, hot
To: My dearest ying hui
I am regret that I used your blog name without any permission but since I doubted it where this will be my hidden emotions and no one will ever know it. I think you wouldn't know or even know it at once. Anyway, I hope you will accept my apologize if you ever saw this blog.
To: My dearest Hoei Teng
How are you doing? Is everything fine as last time. I saw your lips is all pale, are you sleeping well? If you weren't, I insist you to inform me so that I will be able to help you!
I wish to say so.... yet, the zhao tat you know now can't.
Since when, i am not able to speak to you face to face fluently; since when my tongue will strip when i saw you; since when you have put a charm on me like the flower charmed the bees? And since when, I lost my ego?
I thought i PREPARED, to take the 1st step between you and me. Still,
My soul clenched, my soul mock.
Mock the flower why is not blossoming while the spring has arrived.
Clench for the grass and skies as they are expectation dropped within so high.
Everything seems normal like the wind still high.
Forgive me for not able to care, see, help, protect you.
You are strong, without me, stronger you are.
All i can do is to say: "Good luck, Love you"
To: my dearest zhao tat
For you, Hang on. God wish to train you with a stronger character. When you think no one is caring you, He cares for you. When you think no one saw you, He saw you. When you feel depressed or stress, He theres to encourage you to breakthrough.
Please believe somehow He is a good God. Will a good God abandon his dear son? No! He dears you. so much.
I would like to encourage you to not depend on the presence of human or groupings. Depend on God, but God wants you to become greater that's why He kept your treasures away and leave only little left. He wants you to be more aware of surrounding and your own responsibilities. You have dozen of it! Is time to do it, not to depend on people anymore.
You feel alone?
God is there! He will be your listener and will help you. Believe me, He touched the leprosy one, surely he will touch you as well. Seek him , read his word and write it on you to encourage you your very little soul.
Water came from the fountain.
Fountain came from the hands of God.
Trust him. If you think you are alone, you are wrong! Didn;t he says that He will be with you until this age ends? You know, trust Him!
Why you trust with your eyes yet not your holy discontent?
Why you obsessed on luxury and friends?
The lion in the den,
the slave of a wicked whip.
Are you the lion in the den?
If you are then you need to find a way to breakthrough. Yet, He saw your laziness. He helped,
Treasures of the Rich went miss without cause,
The treasures have grow legs since the Lord command.
Trust Him! Bless Him.
Hosanna in the Highest
Hosanna in the Highest
Hosanna in the Highest!
Heal my heart and make it clean!
Break my heart as what break yours!
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