13 April 2016

Hi there, good to see you again Samuel. You know, I only visited this site when I am really emotional. Well, serves me well. I am very emotional right now. Right to the up from the bottom. Doing events too much perhaps.

I thought event life is great, marvellous and meaningful for those whom wish to shine in life. I am one of those whom likes to shine. For that I beguile all the way up to the top, trying to be a people pleaser; try to satisfied needs of everyone. It turns out happens not in that way. You know the worst thing is where you cant decide your things and seek the opinion of both extreme sides.

Events torture and teared me apart form my regular life. Previously indulge in dota now indulge in events; previously making friends now a threat everywhere. Making people hurtful is just a piece of cake now, constantly blaming myself trying to tell myself everything will be ok. It did not happen.

Let me recapped you a few major event these few days. From March to April. Just wanna say, I screwed up. Totally screwed up, that type.

The girl disgusted me the most in uni life.

Well, subject named shermaine. Few weeks ago, she feels that I do not listen to her on advices and my tone she does not like it. Hence, she went outraged and boycott me perhaps in the whole committee of  "Hunted or Survived". Not sure whether is she a not, but what I know is this.

She is a bitch. She is totally a bitch. Telling me I did not listen to her, stripping of her creativity, throws heavy tasks on her and etc that tells me I am a son of a bitch. Well, first of all. As a manager, I get to decide and bear the responsibilities of the department. If I cant decide a single thing in my department, what for becoming a manager. Situations are dynamics and I do not have time to update one by one. Man, she just wanna slack off and wait me to work all the tasks. 

Never mind thou, I take it. I silently take the blow. Making a hollow self to everyone, act like a good kid. Apologise and act harmless in ways to earn back their favour so that others can work for me again. The others will never know what I had been go through, no one will. After all, the symbol of growing up is to silent up your pain.

Still, thank God I learned a lot from this rising tide. I learned tremendously. Now I knew the power of notes, the capability of one man can do compare to team can do, people pleaser is tough to do even do the price is huge. My heart and soul, barely recovered by this moment. While typing, my soul outraged and is furious. Her so called protective manner, scorched my passion and determination. Makes me wish to pleases everyone to make peace with the whole world.

Truth is, I do not know who am I right now. My heart is deeply burden by the case and I lost my determination. Every actions I made are so coward, every action I made is to protect myself. Wondering why. Yet I know, I cant do this anymore. The idea of quitting "Hunted or Survived" is getting stronger, but I keep telling myself:

"Son, just go on a little bit more, just a little bit more."

Yet everytime I spoke, I felt painful as well as a slight of comfort. Thousands times I cried to the Lord, setting me free from this bondage. Letting me back to my comfort zone, even a week will do. Still, no answers. Perhaps this is a learning curve, I must learn how to deal with people in this times. Luckily, He sent help.

He gave me a bunch of real good friends. 13/4, approximately 10 am. Shi ying asked me to brought 101.10 MYR for her to pay off my MUET bills. I totally forgot about that and also did bring my wallet out. Then they proposed to pay for me first as they felt I am poor right now. Although it was not necessary, it was a dare offer as they only know me a year or lesser. They gave me help. At that moment, my heart sank and tears rushing from my eyes; At that moment, I knew that no matter how. There will still be friends standing up for me. I am not alone, not alone always. I got supports and back-up ---- an exfil team. Somemore I got a good Heavenly Father, a mortal father and two mother. I am not alone. At least now I know, where is home. What it feels to be in home.

This maybe is just a small case. I am sure it will be great.

Conclusion son, stay determined. Just tell out what you want to do. It is not they are the ones who deciding your life! It is you the one whom deciding your life. What decision you made, it will not pleases many. Yet, only the right thing lasts. Which is the thing you need to do it.