17/7/2014
Today fought with both chen...
I find myself very stupid, why am I always care about the face yet know the topic. The fact is, I like to care everyone's business. I want to be like a grand mother of all mankind. Hey dude, that's nit gonna work yea. You know yourself, you always busy and fix your eyes always on yourself. So, is not gonna work.
At that moment when they mocked Christ's teaching. I became furious, Dangerous. I finally realise what can makes me angry. There is only 3 thing:
1) You messed up my pride and intend to do it again. That, I am gonna screw you.
2) You try to outsmart people and do shits out at the end. Talk super big yet not even wish to lift a finger.
3) YOU try to be smart and think mock my Christ.
When I am angry, I often will not talk to that person unless he say sorry or takk nicely to me.
If not, I might anti him all over the semester. Much like kee ren aren't ya?
The level of knowing myself get deeper. That causes me wish to know more about myself. Then finally, it hit on the rock of Christ. I guess Christianity influences me a lot until it becomes my lifestyles. But I delight in it. For through this I know tht I certainly will never leave christ.
Hallelujah. ★★★☆★
Then, I began to realise that I am not good at debate. Often even my reasons is right still I will not debate. Being afraid making people angry. I hated this. Slowly , sticking more with Han, begin to realise that in world, no one gonns give u a chance to stand if you are not dare enough. Fierce enough.
Still I decided not to be like that. I dislike being fighting always.not caring the rights and wrongs, juz fight. Dude, that's awful. I like to talk excitingly can be a bit forward but still sit calm and give their opinions. Not like the chens, know only talk bad stuff to stir up a conversation. I don't get them, why can't they talk like normal human being. Not barking around like dogs...
For me, talking normally is simple. Is that you never try to mock someone through out that conversation. You don't guai lan on and on la, sometime serious, talk as a 18 year old kid, talk as you think before will that hurts. If you really hurt people alread, write or apologies to them. That's simple. Talk, laugh or think, sorry or start a new topic.
Simple, yet hard to do.
In the end, God tell me to also be forgiving. So well, I try lo...
Saw hoei teng yesterday, don't know what to talk.I just smile, walked away. Guess she is busying her exams and having a good time woth wei li gua....
Still, not of my business. Since I put down this so call type of relationship, yoke has gone down a lot.
Cut the story short, may the Lord blesss her.
Thursday 17 July 2014
Wednesday 9 July 2014
9/7/2014
Feeling anxious today, anxiety fill so quickly, so suddenly.
Today, is the photo session for our s3 album, well... still sadly, no one wish to take a photo with me. Unless I really need to squeeze into their photo. A little bit jealous.
Well, is not that this thing really hit me hard again. Not ever, as we part of grow up, we need to accept the fact which people is different. Our topics for talks is different, our ways to fill life is different, all of our ways is different despite the main thing is still the same. We needed friends, family, lover, but all is different way. Some like big talking but they are not actually doing any shit; some doesn't like to talk yet they are responsible; some just like to go their own secret life; and many sorts of ways.
Sometimes, we shouldn't be selfish. In a sense where we want to have everything. IF, i have choose zhong han, yew wei as my best buddy, then no one would be able to replace them and I have to accept those who doesn't like them like me. Since we are a group. In fact i chose them, since both of them smarter than the whole class...
Look back, look back!
Why still think your shadow have no friends?
Look back, Look Back!
Saw it? Your past glorious friendship.
It never dies, and it will not die.
As long I have life and alive,
nothing gonna change disguise.
To: Zhao Tat
I have a great depress for you, son. Why you always want to cling on to the best group? Why have u changed to such glory seeking and honor delighting?
It is so disgusting.
I tell you, change back to yourself. Don't aim the friendship, aim to let people know your ways instead. Which is better? To know friends who only know to have fun with you or to know friend which know your ways and thoughts and able to confront you when u in the stain of blood of sins.
You surely know the answer. I tell you the very truth, no one goes to heaven before him, and you think your "friends" will be able to be with you and until then? You don't even know your own way, and you wish people to be with you.
Yes, tagging along with bunch of people is cool. Doesn't mean you need to tag along with anyone, come on la. In the adulthood, there will be many time you need to stand alone to fight the bloody hell war. You think normal friendship last? They won't even you now tag along with them, soon they will forget you and you will just be alone again.
So, my advice will be. Don't give a shit to your freaking childish thoughts and go on pls..
Feeling anxious today, anxiety fill so quickly, so suddenly.
Today, is the photo session for our s3 album, well... still sadly, no one wish to take a photo with me. Unless I really need to squeeze into their photo. A little bit jealous.
Well, is not that this thing really hit me hard again. Not ever, as we part of grow up, we need to accept the fact which people is different. Our topics for talks is different, our ways to fill life is different, all of our ways is different despite the main thing is still the same. We needed friends, family, lover, but all is different way. Some like big talking but they are not actually doing any shit; some doesn't like to talk yet they are responsible; some just like to go their own secret life; and many sorts of ways.
Sometimes, we shouldn't be selfish. In a sense where we want to have everything. IF, i have choose zhong han, yew wei as my best buddy, then no one would be able to replace them and I have to accept those who doesn't like them like me. Since we are a group. In fact i chose them, since both of them smarter than the whole class...
Look back, look back!
Why still think your shadow have no friends?
Look back, Look Back!
Saw it? Your past glorious friendship.
It never dies, and it will not die.
As long I have life and alive,
nothing gonna change disguise.
To: Zhao Tat
I have a great depress for you, son. Why you always want to cling on to the best group? Why have u changed to such glory seeking and honor delighting?
It is so disgusting.
I tell you, change back to yourself. Don't aim the friendship, aim to let people know your ways instead. Which is better? To know friends who only know to have fun with you or to know friend which know your ways and thoughts and able to confront you when u in the stain of blood of sins.
You surely know the answer. I tell you the very truth, no one goes to heaven before him, and you think your "friends" will be able to be with you and until then? You don't even know your own way, and you wish people to be with you.
Yes, tagging along with bunch of people is cool. Doesn't mean you need to tag along with anyone, come on la. In the adulthood, there will be many time you need to stand alone to fight the bloody hell war. You think normal friendship last? They won't even you now tag along with them, soon they will forget you and you will just be alone again.
So, my advice will be. Don't give a shit to your freaking childish thoughts and go on pls..
Sunday 6 July 2014
7/6/2014
Couple days ago was my coming of age ceremony, everyone was taking pictures with their parents and friends and so on and so fort. Yet i was the particular individual who was not famous not good enough to please everyone and on that day, i felt left out in someways...
Everyone is taking pictures of their own, inside the pictures of others. Only me there alone and finding someone to take a picture with me. Am i that unworthy to have pictures with others? I guess no one wanted to have a picture with me if i didn't voice out or squeeze myself in the photo.
Quite shy i am, no is very shy. I do hope someone will come and take picture with me, Yew wei was back and left there me alone.
I wondering myself should i devote myself to this class... where no one willing to chat with me, no one willing to express themselves to me. No one willing to give their hearts to me.
Maybe because i am not strong enough, not that good appearance enough.
Tomorrow on wards, I dont want to care about them anymore. Just wanted to enjoy my ways and my study life. No need to study or make up with that damn kee ren Tan. Because simply i have enough of his shit face. Really, life is not getting better if i make up with him. Besides, these can't work if he doesn't want to make up with me. I have done my freaking job to come and be good to you and give all those shit i need to give it to you. I don't really like him.... that much although he is a good guy,,, but not me la.. I like to be with generous guys... does who have same thoughts and a generous heart.
As a grown up, can't afford to lose anymore. People need to decide, and i have decided. To don't give a god damn shit to this type of people.
No information, need to be attentive. Tomorrow need to start recording every serious report and check on some info myself...
Since, the lone ranger need to go on still...
Couple days ago was my coming of age ceremony, everyone was taking pictures with their parents and friends and so on and so fort. Yet i was the particular individual who was not famous not good enough to please everyone and on that day, i felt left out in someways...
Everyone is taking pictures of their own, inside the pictures of others. Only me there alone and finding someone to take a picture with me. Am i that unworthy to have pictures with others? I guess no one wanted to have a picture with me if i didn't voice out or squeeze myself in the photo.
Quite shy i am, no is very shy. I do hope someone will come and take picture with me, Yew wei was back and left there me alone.
I wondering myself should i devote myself to this class... where no one willing to chat with me, no one willing to express themselves to me. No one willing to give their hearts to me.
Maybe because i am not strong enough, not that good appearance enough.
Tomorrow on wards, I dont want to care about them anymore. Just wanted to enjoy my ways and my study life. No need to study or make up with that damn kee ren Tan. Because simply i have enough of his shit face. Really, life is not getting better if i make up with him. Besides, these can't work if he doesn't want to make up with me. I have done my freaking job to come and be good to you and give all those shit i need to give it to you. I don't really like him.... that much although he is a good guy,,, but not me la.. I like to be with generous guys... does who have same thoughts and a generous heart.
As a grown up, can't afford to lose anymore. People need to decide, and i have decided. To don't give a god damn shit to this type of people.
No information, need to be attentive. Tomorrow need to start recording every serious report and check on some info myself...
Since, the lone ranger need to go on still...
Thursday 3 July 2014
3/7/2014
Its been a long time, very long time... one month i think for not writing my feelings down here. Unfortunately, need to use here again.
Life, is filled with failures. However, it is not how much failures u have gone through but it is how long did u stand against your failures. I didn't stand long against them, I lost myself towards them. Feeling sick, depressed and exhaustive fighting in this freaking S3 race. Not because of studies, yet because of feelings and friendships.
I admit, hoei teng. That i can't allow myself to stay in your friend zone anymore. Longing for your attention, wanting your love and smile express to me. I simply can't forget that and hunger for more of you. So gross... my heart says so, yet this is the most suitable vocabulary that i could ever found in my current confusion state.
Wei li is a freaking good guy, i think. He will suits you well, very very well. You once said you like to shop, he is able to afford you for sure; you once said that you hate walking around with buses, he is able to drive you home safe. There is no worries, go ahead, i will pray for you for your very own journey where i am not capable to help anymore, although i didn't really help much.
Feeling hatred upon my inability, why am i so stupid and useless and look so shity? I always big talk around the world, always that prideful, always that useless and a coward when come to you. I can encourage everyone to work yet why I can't encourage myself to show my feelings to you. Well i guess this is one of my weakness as well, God please help me get rid of it.
Still, what can i say now? nothing, everything is meaningless now. I have no guts to tell you face to face that i love you, Hoei Teng Lim. I guess I don't have the guts and i am not wise for being here typing these useless piece of shit essay just to calm my raging heart.
Raging seas, painful thoughts, never stopped. Half of the paths haven't walked. Still, my soul must go on. No reasons, simply life is a non-stop.
Today is a fucking day where i, give up. Give up the dream having her, give up to being a coward and give up the chance of escaping the competition.
Heads up marines, we need to off. Is the time of call of duty ---- s3 studies.... maths and physics.
(My future, if you ever look back at this, take a nice laugh, hug your wife and share it to her sweetly, don't run from your past anymore.)
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