I have never felt angry for those who doesn't care for themselves, but now i am angry with them. 

No idea why am i angry towards them, maybe is the different path we have chosen in our life. I can't imagine their life can be so meaningless and so little. Doesn't mean Jesus say you should be the one serving but not the king, and you should become a person's dog. I don't get it.

Surely you will be curious about who am i talking, actually i am just talking about my clients. 

Today i asked one of my fellow friends: 

" Are you still studying? Did you want to study?" 

you know what she answer me in that freaking noisy restaurant? she said: 

"I am not planning to study anymore, I am working here as a full time." 

That shocked me and make me angry for almost the whole day, i mean how can someone willing to work as a waiter or a supervisor at a small restaurant? Get tired and late night sleep everyday, serving customers everyday, yet get paid only one thousand plus a month. Why won't they think working as a manager or a secretary, get paid 2.5 k per month and can even have more free time than this freaking waitering job.   

Everyone has a choice, if that's your choice to stick with some low class, uneducated people and never going to enjoy luxury in life. Well, God bless. But for me, I am not going to do so. I am going to take up the wall, or challenge the sky by flying towards it. I want to be rich, and i want to step on everyone to have my pride and my luxury. If i accidentally stepped on you for my career part, please blame yourself for not being strong and have less choices than me. 

What i trying to say is, people should be ambitious. If you can fly further than anyone, why still stuck yourself in a cage or doesn't even try t put some effort to fly and visit the world? Rather doing some shit stuff to earn glory and fame earlier than anyone. I truly tell you, the fame which can last is the most glorious,

 Example, bill  Gates. 

All of my fellow clients is so intelligence, their problem solving skills, technique to counter people, stress management and hardworking, is so much better than mine. Still, not successful than me because of English or sense. 

That's wasted. 

Well, nothing i can do. Just pray that God will bless them and use them mighty in his Kingdom.

22/4/2014

A bloody hell day...

Today, I got scolded by a class mate for not throwing rubbish. I told her that the rubbish bin still got lot space to throw, and she god damn it angry with me. Maybe she is right, I am that irresponsible in critical time.

As usual, the class teacher will always show me her dumped face and staring at me like a dog. She is really doggy la. Somehow, my emotional cracked when things begin falling down on me again. Even do most of it is I sendiri cari pasal la, still I can't bear it and I showed my faces to many people.

The mixture emotion slowly lead me back into depression, I was once back to the haunted life that I wish to escape from.

During the Senior student weekly service, I questioned God:

" God, Why are You so unfair! Why only I have one coin but others have many? "

And a voice (maybe is heart voice...) replied:

"Tell me, are you going to give up? "

I continued my grumble and negative thoughts:

" I wish I can become people like yew wei, hoei Teng, Ying Hui, Zhong Han, Yi Xue.. and many other well talented people that in school we have. "
"You are so unfair, You gave them so many coins, I only have one, i WANT More！！！"

The voice still says:

" Are you going to give up? "

My endless grumble continued:

"Regarding How hard effort I have put in, things surely will not change"

The voice says to me(using correct tenses) :

"Are you going to give up?"

My soul suddenly burst with emotions and hold my fist and my lips and closed my eyes and shouted in my heart:

" Of course I don't want!"

The voice replied:

"Good , then go on your life...."

The conversation ended.
Then I begin realize how stupid am I.

I,

always wanted to be like others,
always cracking up jokes to make people happy,
always follow others people opinion and agree with them when they talk,
always wanted to get attention from others,
always wanted to be the center point of people,
always want to be smart like others,  
always want to please other people.

But all of these won't help you to progress in friendship or even in life. Is time for us to get back the way we are.

Life is simple, basically, is just yes or no...

If  people like you, any idea you brought, they will buy it without single thought.
If people dislike you, the reverse is your conclusion. (You will screw up in life)

Are you going to sad about it?

Come on,
why we sad about it?

It is meaningless if you are inside a group where you yourself just blindly following them, agree with them.
It is meaningless to always have a big gang with you.
YOU can have a big gang, but the big gang, will lead you become a coward when you are alone.

I always hate those who always walk as a gang. In two I don't mind, but for those who walk in the street only with a gang, They, are like a piece of shit in society. They can't do anything when they are alone, sad to say but only those who abuse by friends or doing things solo are able to lead and do.

Why?

Because they have nothing to lose, they fed up in groupings and decide to walk alone, to fight alone, like a lone wolf! While people group together licking each others injuries, they are the one who bandage up themselves and pursue again and again in life.

For they have no time to rest,
simply alone.
That's why they need to run,
non stop to become unstoppable.

Today I made my clear mind, that life, is easy but is heart aching.
Is either people like you or don't,
For those who like you, give them your love.
For those who dislike you, keep your love in secret and pray for them to accept your love.
Because we don't give pearl to pigs.

I am not shame to eat alone,
not that I like it, eventually I hate it.
But to be a hypocrite in order to share a table,
I rather take my own seat!  

19/4/2014

It is few weeks later that i recover from that tragedy. Now everything is fine except that i am tired for my studies and my friendships around school. In school, I have learned to put on a mask, i began to smile unnaturally but people think i am very happy, so I am not really that mind.

What i feel bad is like i am cheating them, everything i do is just surface. Still, they except it with nothing. Due to it, i leave it by a side.

Yesterday, is Good Friday. I and my bunch of friends hang out after church service, before that we served in the ministry of course, Singing, drama. Everything will be ended by tomorrow. I am looking forward to the celebration.

Few things I asked myself while i am on the journey to makan with them, I asked:

1) Since when i started to bond with Gabriel and Gideon and Darren so dearly?
2) I think i am really changed?

First, I mean i totally forgot how ever been so close with Gab and Gi and Darren. I just remember that last time we have numerous foughts. Right now, we are still friends. Friendships is amazing, so unpredictable. They are so different form yew wei and Chong Han, two best friend of mine in school. I heard all of their deep heart sore and discussed together, through that we have lots of laughter and funs. Then the funs we have is totally different. With schoolmates, we have skill discussion; while in church we talk about life and games. Quite cool.

Thank God and them for being in my life,  really thank you with all my heart and soul.

Blessed is me who is a sinner yet received God's mercy.
Blessed is the one who spread the Love that given by God's mercy.
May I do so,
To build the Lord's Kingdom.

Another thing is that, I quite changed. I begin to feel annoying when being with low class people, impolite, not rational, play with words, bad to say is sarcastic, good way to say is learn communication skills lo, I somesort saw the truth of the world and every human kind.

The fact of human kind is, alll of them afraid the bad and bully the good ones. No one ever treasure them and automatically say Hi to them. To them, good people or patient or angryless people is always that good and will be with them always. That's their thinking, I saw it.

That's why I begin to build a wall, I feel good but I don't know it is right to do so as a christian. The reason I felt good is because I am able to protect myself; bad is because we ought to be friendly when new believers came to our church.

What do you think of it? My soul and My mate

Life is a bitch and she is a thieve we knew that.

I hate my life, because sarcastic is needed to survive.
I lived, because of both of them.
Don't know why,
But i can't bear to lost them in my sight.

I have decided, to build a wall to protect and to give,
I have decided, to smile sarcastic in order to survive.
I have decided, I will tell a lie if I need to.
I have decided, to fight life in the way i like.

Today,

I saw ying hui, having lunch with her friends.
She didn't notice me.
I stared at her.
I saw her dim down for a while and smile.
Then she lift up her head like nothing happened before.

My soul trenched when I saw her,
so beautiful
so pretty
so charming

yet she looks like she is thinking something.
I wish I would know her better,
so that I can go and comfort her,
In the dearly ways I have

Frankly, if ying hui you saw this blog,
pls know that my feelings to you never change,
as a mate as a dear friend.

For your eyes woke me up,
Made my protective heart awake in the midst.

2/4/2014

April, hot 

To: My dearest ying hui 

I am regret that I used your blog name without any permission but since I doubted it where this will be my hidden emotions and no one will ever know it. I think you wouldn't know or even know it at once. Anyway, I hope you will accept my apologize if you ever saw this blog. 

To: My dearest Hoei Teng 

How are you doing? Is everything fine as last time. I saw your lips is all pale, are you sleeping well? If you weren't, I insist you to inform me so that I will be able to help you! 

I wish to say so.... yet, the zhao tat you know now can't. 

Since when, i am not able to speak to you face to face fluently; since when my tongue will strip when i saw you; since when you  have put a charm on me like the flower charmed the bees? And since when, I lost my ego?

I thought i PREPARED, to take the 1st step between you and me. Still,  

My soul clenched, my soul mock. 

Mock the flower why is not blossoming while the spring has arrived. 

Clench for the grass and skies as they are expectation dropped within so high. 

Everything seems normal like the wind still high. 

Forgive me for not able to care, see, help, protect you. 

You are strong, without me, stronger you are. 

All i can do is to say: "Good luck, Love you" 

 

To: my dearest zhao tat 

For you, Hang on. God wish to train you with a stronger character. When you think no one is caring you, He cares for you. When you think no one saw you, He saw you. When you feel depressed or stress, He theres to encourage you to breakthrough. 

Please believe somehow He is a good God. Will a good God abandon his dear son? No! He dears you. so much. 

I would like to encourage you to not depend on the presence of human or groupings. Depend on God, but God wants you to become greater that's why He kept your treasures away and leave only little left. He wants you to be more aware of surrounding and your own responsibilities. You have dozen of it! Is time to do it, not to depend on people anymore. 

You feel alone?

God is there! He will be your listener and will help you. Believe me, He touched the leprosy one, surely he will touch you as well. Seek him , read his word and write it on you to encourage you your very little soul. 

Water came from the fountain. 

Fountain came from the hands of God. 

Trust him. If you think you are alone, you are wrong! Didn;t he says that He will be with you until this age ends? You know, trust Him! 

Why you trust with your eyes yet not your holy discontent? 

Why you obsessed on luxury and friends? 

The lion in the den,

the slave of a wicked whip. 

Are you the lion in the den? 

If you are then you need to find a way to breakthrough. Yet, He saw your laziness. He helped, 

Treasures of the Rich went miss without cause, 

The treasures have grow legs since the Lord command. 

Trust Him! Bless Him. 

Hosanna in the Highest

Hosanna in the Highest 

Hosanna in the Highest! 

Heal my heart and make it clean! 

Break my heart as what break yours!